SENATOR BARBARA BOXER, D-CA: I’d like to thank the chairman and our audience this afternoon for allowing me to question Mr. Baggins on carbon emissions in his shire… shire, is it? Shire. I have a series of serious questions concerning several aspects of this – um – this shire, and I just want… I want to, before I start, to thank Mr. Baggins directly for his contribution so far to the committee’s work.
BILBO BAGGINS, HOBBIT: Thank you, ma’am.
SENATOR BOXER: Senator.
BAGGINS: I’m sorry?
SENATOR BOXER: Mr. Baggins, I ran for election, and the people of California voted me in as Senator. Please refer to me as such for the remainder of these proceedings.
BAGGINS: Uh, yes, Senator, I, uh…
SENATOR BOXER: Mr. Baggins, I’m going to read some statistics for you on your shire. Now… it says here that the shire, it’s roughly the size of the combined states of New Hampshire and Vermont. And, uh, it is densely populated in parts with many villages and a few towns, but it’s still open enough to allow for wide forested areas and marshes.
BAGGINS: Yes, Senator. We have some beautiful forests. Some the most beautiful you’d ever see… if you were allowed entrance.
SENATOR BOXER: Excuse me?
BAGGINS: Well, um, Senator, after Aragorn’s return as the King of Arnor and Gondor, the Shire became a protected enclave inside the Reunited Kingdom. The King issued an order that forbade the entrance of full-sized Men into the Shire.
SENATOR BOXER: Be that as it may, I am a United States Senator.
BAGGINS: Yes, that was never in doubt.
SENATOR BOXER: Right. Well, I’m looking at several reports on the construct of most houses within your Shire. It says, mud, brick, and thatch are the composition of most houses, yet… some are burrowed into the sides of hills and bases of trees. Tell me, do these burrows have fire places?
BAGGINS: Well, we have to keep warm somehow.
SENATOR BOXER: I see. Are you familiar with the Keebler Elves?
BAGGINS: No, Senator, I have never heard of these elves… are they brethren to the Calaquendi?
SENATOR BOXER: No, these elves make cookies.
BAGGINS: If you say so.
SENATOR BOXER: I am holding testimony from Ernie Keebler, self-proclaimed leader of the Keebler Elves, that while his people live in trees, they do not have fire places, but rather use magic and the deliciousness of their cookies to stay warm. They also provided a report to me illustrating how this is both cost effective, and good for the environment.
BAGGINS: Senator, we don’t… we’re not… are you implying that because I come from a mythical universe, I am somehow automatically gifted with magic?
SENATOR BOXER: I also, no… No, I am saying that this is one way of doing it. I also have another report, from a Mr. Willow Ufgood. Do you know him?
BAGGINS: Why would I…
SENATOR BOXER: According to Wikipedia, he is “a reluctant Nelwyn dwarf who plays a critical role in protecting infant Elora Danan from the evil queen Bavmorda.” Does any of that ring a bell?
BAGGINS: No, I still don’t understand what this has to do with the Shire.
SENATOR BOXER: Mr. Willow lives in subarctic conditions. Did you know that his people have developed a furnace system throughout his community that uses natural gas from the dormant volcano they rest on to heat their homes?
BAGGINS: Why on earth would I know that?
SENATOR BOXER: Mr. Baggins, I’ve just read to you two reports from your peers…
BAGGINS: Peers?
SENATOR BOXER: …from your peers that have put in place methods of heating for cold weather that utilize natural resources and pose little threat to the environment at large. Can you explain yourself?
BAGGINS: I am…
SENATOR BOXER: I’m sorry?
BAGGINS: I am really quite offended. I have no connection to those people at all.
SENATOR BOXER: People? These are elves and dwarves, just like you.
BAGGINS: “Just like me”? JUST LIKE ME, Senator?
SENATOR BOXER: Are you or are you not a member of the mythical community?
BAGGINS: I am, but that that hardly implies I have any association with those two groups you just mentioned!
SENATOR BOXER: It was my assumption that you might take some responsibility, like your friends I mentioned, for the protection of the environment.
BAGGINS: I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE. They have NOTHING to do with the Shire. The road that you’re going down…
SENATOR BOXER: I am trying to build support for initiatives like these, and you somehow oppose them.
BAGGINS: I can’t believe this.
SENATOR BOXER: Mr. Baggins, I will produce numerous other documents that will show a need for a reduction in carbon emissions and passive threats to surrounding environments from other communities if you like, but I figured, hey, I’m dealing with a mythical creature, I’m going to go to other mythical creatures for reference. Thank you, Mr. Baggins, for your testimony. You are dismissed.
How can California continue to elect the Nancys, Barbaras and Dianes to the circus in DC in which they play lead role of village idiot?
I know. California is to Tina as their elected officials are to Ike. One day, California will stop putting up with it and release their own Break Every Rule.