Yeah, this really happened.
The following is a transcript from the recent funeral for Billy Mays, outside Lakeland, Florida.
JOEL OSTEEN: Ladies and gentlemen… we are gathered here today to remember TV’s Billy Mays; father, husband, host of incessant and captivating infomercials. I had planned a rousing sermon on brotherly love and the various avenues available to you if you wish to donate to my church, and what those avenues might get you once you reach the Pearly Gates. But as I look out onto this loving crowd, I realize that I hardly knew Billy. Yes, as I look out, I see faces I’m familiar with only through their outstanding products and accompanying commercials that run early mornings on cable variety stations and late night public access. I see faces I can trust, faces that loved Billy. And so now, I will open the floor to you, his friends and colleagues, to speak on your fondest memories of Billy Mays. Let us pray: Our father, who art in Heaven and who art available on porcelain plates with a donation of $10.00 or more to the Lakewood Church, half off be thy name if you act now, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as in heaven. Give us 30 days or your money back. Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us… Mr. Osteen is interrupted by a funeral page. Oh, yes, in the sake of time, and your bill, Amen.
CROWD: Amen
VINCE OFFER: Mr. Offer removes a note from his pants pocket and unfolds it. Yeah, um, hi, my name is Vince. I know, I know… Sham-Wow. Yeah, well, look, I was gonna get up here and talk about how Billy inspired me and all, but that’d be a lie. I recently… um… well, you saw the news. Me and the hooker. The crack. Well, I just wanted to get up and say that I’ve been goin’ to meetings. And I quit Sham-Wow! I quit it! Crowd whispers amongst itself. No! No, you don’t understand! I was using it all the time, man… like Billy here used to cram those damned mini-burgers into that fat, loud, bearded face of his!
CHEF TONY (from the audience): YOU SHUT-A YOUR DAMN MOUTH-A!
VINCE OFFER: You shut your mouth! You ain’t even Italian, you lying sack of sh**! I seen you, I seen you backstage takin’ that stupid hat off, and just chopping things, choppin’ em’ all the time! Miracle Blade… more like Miracle Meth. I saw you hack a turkey to pieces one time, and just throw it out! You just cut it to cut it you sick, psychopathic, stereotype son of a bitch. Wanna know how I know? We smell our own. I used to spill things, just so I could sit there and wipe ‘em up again. Got to a point where I wore that headset every day, even when I was out on the street prowling for strange sex and some crack. And look where it got me. Look… look where it got Billy.
CATHY MITCHELL (from the audience): DAMN YOUR LIES!
VINCE OFFER: Lies! Yeah that’s right! Billy used to sit at home, late at night, and cook off dozens of Big City Sliders… and then you know what he’d do? He’d puree them, and drink ‘em. He’d drink and drink and drink… One night, Billy I were hangin’ out after INFOCON 2008…. and he says, “Vince, I got something to show you.” He whispered it, real quiet, ain’t like nothin’ you all ever heard outta the man. He takes me to his RV, and sits me down, and he starts cooking. He says, “I stumbled across this invention, and I bought the rights, and, well, you can use it two ways.” He turns back and he smiles. “The first way, we can sell. The other way… well… this sh** will take you down the rabbit hole, my friend.” And did it ever. Did it ever. Billy, I’ll miss ya. Hope you’re makin’ that big pitch in the sky… Mr. Offer places a Sham-Wow on the coffin and walks off stage. He comes back after a few seconds and retrieves it, then exits.
CATHY MITCHELL: I’m sorry. I’m sorry to everyone, I hate that Vince… he’s ruined so much for us, and now this? Billy was a good man. He was a good man. He never, ever took his products for granted, and he never abused their power. He counseled against it. That’s right. I used to make this… dessert. It was… this is hard. See, I used to take cookie dough from my favorite recipes, and… and I’d… I’d freebase it, OK? I’d freebase cookies. I’d mix them together, and I would just go to town, brother! One day, Billy and I shared a set. And I was trying this new bit, where I’d take my regular size, mixed up cookies, and I’d put it in the Xpress Redi-Set-Go… see it has this flat griddle inside, on the top and… C’mon… C’mon Cathy, you can do this… well, you could make these huge cookies. And so I was trying out this huge cookie. I called it… a, uh… this is so hard… a… cookizza. Audience gasps. I know, I know. Anyway, so I’m baking this monstrosity, and Billy comes over and he says, “My God, what’s that delectable smell?” So I explain it to him, and he just looks at me. He rubs his beard, and he sits down next to the prop table I’m standing at, and he says, “Cathy,” he says to me, “Cathy, I want you to think about what you’re going to do. I want you to consider your powers. I want you to think about your audience, and what something like this… cookizza… might do to them.” Then he asks me when the last time was I was at a meeting, and I just started crying. And right there? We had a meeting, just me and him. Sure, I went on to promote and sell thousands of the Xpress Redi-Set-Go ovens, and I even pulled the cookizza trick with poor Joe, but I learned my lesson and Billy was right! Billy was always right. I kicked the cookizza thanks to him. It haunts me… no more.
JOEL OSTEEN: And finally, Billy’s best friend and confidante… I think we all know him very well, to close us out today… Mr. Anthony Sullivan.
Audience applauds politely. Mr. Sullivan stands at the podium and stares into the distance quietly for 30 seconds or so.
ANTHONY SULLIVAN: Wow, what can I say? Billy’s dead. He’s absolutely dead. I’ve never seen someone so dead, it’s like he just up and died one night and now, he is incredibly dead. Hi, I’m Anthony Sullivan, co-host of the hit television show, “Pitchmen”. Has this ever happened to you? You wake the kids up for school, put some coffee on, and then, in a shocking twist to your normal routine, you find your husband dead on the bedroom floor. What a mess! It’s the kind of mess that can really screw up your day. Well, not anymore. Mr. Sullivan holds up a black Oxiclean Bottle. With my new, patent-pending Anthony Sullivan’s Oxiclean Oxicorpse! Oxiclean Oxicorpse is a powerful chemical agent, combining the strength of sulfuric acid, and the lovely scent of lilacs in the morning. Watch. Mr. Sullivan removes a black plastic bag from the podium, and dumps out a cat’s corpse on stage. The crowd gasps. All you need is a little Oxicorpse! Mr. Sullivan pours the detergent on the cat’s corpse. It begins to sizzle. It smells surprisingly like lilacs. And done! No burying! No dusty cremation! No messy removing of limbs for compact transportation! Just one cup of my amazing Anthony Sullivan’s Oxiclean Oxicorpse will make your grief disappear! Just $19.95 if you call within the next 7 minutes! But wait! If you order now, I’ll send you not one, but two Oxiclean Oxicorpse bottles, for the same low price of $19.95! We’ll even throw in a set of these polythylene, chemical resistant gloves and a pair of Anthony Sullivan’s All Purpose Face Mask Goggles, FREE! Quick! Call now!
Mr. Sullivan bows his head and walks off stage to the sounds of BTO’s “For the Weekend”.
