It feels like it’s been an eternity since NBC rolled out (literally) their last season of The Biggest Loser. Like an old, sweaty, dehydrated friend, The Biggest Loser is back, now stuffed with even more exploitation of contestants’ grief, shame, and sorrow. Last night’s debut was loaded with stories of loss and struggle, and the producers, once again, shamelessly exploited every aspect of contestant confessionals. In a (very) round table, contestants were prodded as to why they thought they had jumped the rails, and, as a follow up, why they were here. Blah, blah, blah, orphanage, blah, blah, blah, firefighter, blah, blah, blah, my family died in a car accident, bl… wait, what?
That’s right. NBC brought Abby on, a teacher from Texas, at just under 250 lbs, who, when asked why she was the way she was, broke down as she shared the tragic loss of her husband, 5 year old daughter, and 2 week old son in a car crash. A shockingly legitimate heartbreaking confessional on The Biggest Loser? Say it ain’t so. Still, as terrible as her loss is, we have to remind ourselves that Abby is now on a television show because she’s tired of being overweight, and wants to make right the wrong that is her current state… oh, and she’s in the running for a cash prize. Moreover, the website indicates she was overweight before the accident, so, invoking her family’s loss as an excuse for being overweight kind of sends me mixed signals. I suppose being involved in this trash heap of a show precludes things like dignity and respect, so I shouldn’t be surprised. But really NBC? When you interviewed her, did you consider that maybe this was unfair? The woman needs more than a weight loss show to get her life back. What zingers are Bob and Jillian gonna throw at her in the gym? Will they invoke the car crash to get her back on that treadmill? I wonder how the cast will react when they’re put in a position to vote her off down the line. I feel disgusting already.
Speaking of disgusting, let’s move onto Shay, the social worker from California. Shay is the show’s heaviest contestant ever, if you can believe it, weighing in at 474 lbs. Shay’s claim to shame last night involved a story about her mother dying from a heroin overdose when Shay was just a kid, and her having to move into foster care thereafter. She fought her way through that horrible abandonment, vowing never to give up, and put herself through college. Shay did a lot of vowing last night, claiming she was a fighter, a motivater, a pusher, a mover, a shaker…. until she met Jacob’s Ladder. Seriously, that’s what it’s called, Google it.

Not Shay.
Let’s rewind a bit. I’m getting ahead of myself.
The show kicked off with a brief introduction of each contestant, each one fatter and seemingly sadder than the next, as the TBL Tour Bus rolled out in the California country side toward The Ranch, where hopefully these people would get some sense knocked into them. Suddenly, the bus stops and lets the Losers out on the road, where Ali, the show’s resident birther, informed everyone they’d be racing the final mile to The Ranch. SHOCK! WORRY! PANIC! A MILE?! But wait! (Of course.) There’s more!
Daniel, after mistakening The Biggest Loser last season for a show he made up in his head, The Nicest Loser: Hugs Edition, shows up in a black sedan to inform everyone he’s back. Seriously, this kid is the most positive MFer on the planet, and hopefully he’ll sweep this thing, because I didn’t like a single other person from last night’s cast roundup. This is the same Daniel who brought his walking piece of fried chicken friend on the show, and was kicked off, because said piece of fried chicken continued to smoke and pound hot dogs like every meal was a contest when sent home to compete off The Ranch.
And then there was Tracey.
I understand that a mile might be difficult for these guys, but props to the ones who actually ran it. (Daniel cleaned up at 14 minutes in first place, to give you an idea of the lethargy we’re dealing with this season.) The last stretch of the run ended up on the beach, and Tracey here collapsed. Didn’t seem genuine, honestly. She screamed, “MY LEGS UR JELLY” before planting her zepplin like torso onto the sand. She struggled a few times to get up, each time looking right into the camera, before a TBL medic approached her and tried to lift her. “UM GONNA CRAWL!” she ranted as she clawed her way through the sand, until several more medics arrived to pull her to her ‘feet’. Her eyes rolled back into her head before fixing themselves on the camera once again… she never finished the race and was rushed to the hospital. Hey Tracey? This isn’t an audition for More to Love. It’s The Biggest F***ing Loser. So unless your serious, go home. We don’t need this prima donna BS. No way your collapse was real. I mean, Shay beat you. SHAY.
My favorite thing about a season opener on TBL is the visit to the Doctor Whatsisface at the Institute For Not Being So Goddamned Lazy and Fat. (I made that up, btw.) Doctor W. tells each contestant they’re sick, then he does a series of tests on each of them to show them just how effed up they really are, like blood tests showing their capillaries have been replaced by Ju Ju Bees, or that their sperm count now equals ‘hamburger’. Sean, the youth pastor with an effeminate southern lisp (hmm) who just wants to “hug his wife” (hmmmmmm) sat with the doctor last night after he’d written on his medical history sheet that he simply had no medical issues. The doctor giggled a little as he said, “How does a man at your weight keep a straight face when he hands over a sheet of paper that says he has no medical issues?” Zing! Sean replies, “It’s not like I have Type II Diabetes or nothin’.”
The doctor leans back. “Sean. You have Type II Diabetes.” SNAP!
Back to Shay, who was given a CAT scan in the zoological wing of the facility, to show how much of her body had been overrun with fatty tissue. NBC had no problem showing the CAT image, and I had no problem taking a pic with my iPhone, as I wiped tears of laughter from eyes at the sheer audacity of the network to parade these poor people around. I also have no problem producing said image, here, for your own viewing displeasure. Seriously, the image on the left looks like the Hulk dressed up to go trick or treating as a skeleton.

The show rounded out with the typical last minute workout, and a hapless unknown first weeker severed from the cast (Alexandra.) With more cast to review in the early parts of the season, the producers are forced to tone down the repetitive nature the show takes on later in the season, as NBC is forced to fill 2 hour blocks of fat people working out with some sort of drama or event. The show is best at the front end, when we are treated to drastic weight loss weeks, people breaking down on machines, machines breaking down from people being on them, and the general hysteria that accompanies people being motivated beyond what they’ve thought they’re capable of.
Expect me to continue tuning in for more recaps and mockery of the show I love to hate.